Archive for the ‘ Love ’ Category

Bore, boring, bored

I think that if I were reading my blog I’d be bored. It’s all very important to me, it’s all very much interesting to me; I’m just not sure how interesting it is to anyone else that may happen to read it.

Speaking of people reading my blog, my page views have sky-rocketed lately and honestly, not too many people (that i know, or know of, in the ‘real’ world) actually know about said blog.

Strange wot?

So if you’re reading this, do me a solid and leave me a comment: I’m curious and I’d appreciate it.

And right back in we go:

Maybe I am kind of boring these days, but I am very much happy, healthy and hale.

In other news I ran 1.62 miles today, slowly, with walk breaks. But I got to run and it was absolutely glorious.

I solemnly swear to never try to push through an injury like that again. The last two weeks were so incredibly frustrating (with regard to running) that I never want to repeat that again.

I need to write this idea for a book/movie/game down. It’s basic right now but I really think it’s got potential.

I may add to this later, but for now I’m good on typing.

PS: I ❤ my iPhone.

Nosce Te Ipsum

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Leap

I want to base jump right now, so much.

(I think its partly missing the adrenaline, but also partly a question, one that says that maybe I’ve lost my edge. A big “do I still have it in me?”)

“And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.”

-Friedrich Nietzsche

Today I really miss that hair-raising, heart-racing, goosebumps, icy-knot-of-fear sinking feeling while you look down into the abyss right before you will yourself to leap.

And then all that fear turns to joy. It’s an intense feeling, and there are a few moments right in the middle of it when you’re not thinking about the leap or the landing: you’re just in perfect harmony with the universe.

There are few things like that in life. I happen to have been blessed enough to have found two. Jumping off of really high things with only some stainless steel and ballistic nylon holding me to the here and now and creating something from nothing.

York

Sometimes life is just going to make you feel like you’ve been kicked in the pants, and conversely sometimes like you’ve got jet engines strapped to your shoes, tonight:

I just had a chest pain that made my left ear hurt. I was unaware that such a thing was possible. Although honestly I don’t know if pain is the right word: it was more of a chilly, sinking sensation; one that rolled outward from my heart, making my stomach drop as though I were in free fall, then flowing back upward, in cold waves that radiated through my core.

It was mildly distressing.

Ah well, a part of the human experience is certainly that you will feel odd sensations now and then. I’ll leave sorting it out for later, since I’m not quite certain how I’m feeling right now, nor why or even what (if anything) it means.

Suffice to say; I’m tired and I have to be up in 4 hours for work.

I have an odd sense that my blog is going to become more chit-chat/less conversation for a bit.

Sweet dreams.

Egocracy of Eloquence

I am a(n) (ego-)driven guy.

Sounds familiar. Most males are, well males from western cultures are anyway. I personally think thats it’s a combination of nature and nurture. And the fact that testosterone does odd things to us. Of course so does the individualistic society into which we are indoctrinated, so sorry: enculturated.

My personal experience with nurture being that of a community of special forces alpha-dogs probably didn’t help: they tend to believe that spec-ops guys are the supreme creation of the universe and each one of them thinks he’s better than all the rest.

Growing up within such a tight knit, if slightly insane, group at a series of Fort Wherever’s brought a whole new meaning to the ‘my dad can beat up your dad’ spiel, it did however encourage the growth of my vocabulary and it definitely built a lot of self-confidence, I’ll give it that.

All argument aside: I know that I can be arrogant, I know that I have a healthy ego, albeit one that can get away from me; especially when we’re talking about one of the ten or twelve things that I do best. Its never really about the idea that I’m better than the person I happen to be speaking to; I get genuinely excited about things I’m good at and I tend not to realize when I’m being arrogant about something that comes very easily to me and that others have to work at. Which, unfortunately means I come off rather badly at times.

There are remedies, or so I’ve been led to believe. You may remember that there was a fairy tale princess that needed some rescuing; as it turns out, she does a bit of rescuing herself, ya know-on the side. The moral of that fable being this: I’ve been courting this theory of modesty lately and I’ve got to say it’s a been (and will continue to be) a difficult transition: I feel incredibly self-conscious when I try to be modest, like I’ve got this really expensive new jacket on and it looks really great but everyone knows that the coat just isn’t mine.

For the first time in my life I am actually much more concerned with how someone else feels about me, than I am about how I feel about me.

I’m sure I’ll get used to it. It is, of course (what isn’t?), a process. At any rate I’m sure that my new humble sport jacket is just the right thing to wear to all this summer’s ritzy events.

I enjoy metaphor. Clearly.

Speaking of, chapter eighteen is coming along well/well it’s coming along*.

*Glorious.

This is one of those awesome posts that I’ve cut into pieces over the course of a couple of days. I find that my favorite thing about my wordpress app is *save draft. It assuredly gives me the freedom to gain some perspective without losing the moment. I appreciate that greatly.

Normally I’d say keep it real here, but I think that its time to retire that particular valediction. And while normally I’d express utter disbelief if someone were unaware that the polite bits that bookend a letter are a salutation and valediction, today in honor of my attempt at leaf-turning I’ll merely allude to the fact that I could have.

Today I believe that I’ll simply say:
❤ ry

(Someone help me figure out something fun/cool/super-arrogant-sounding-but-not-belittling to say after my posts, merci.)

iDream

I dream while awake, ephemeral; the ghost of your touch on my face.

iHope

Am I/I Am

“I’d love to postpone darlin, but I just cashed my last raincheck.”
-Scott Pilgrim

So I think I need to write more before I can sleep. I want to work on my novel, but I don’t feel up to being other people right now; I’m having enough trouble being me.

Well it’s not quite so melodramatic as all that. I’m just, well sad I guess.

I’m wishing/wanting and it’s hard on the heart. I’m writing in circles, my thoughts unclear, everything I say seems to go nowhere.

I’d say I’m only talking right now to hear myself speak, but I’m typing and my voice only echoes back in the hollow vaults of my mind, rushing from wall to wall, a confusing welter of sound and feeling. The walls reverberating as the sounds crash together, becoming one rumbling note: breaking the vault and loosing the caged emotions I try so hard to crush down into a pinpoint. Crush it until it implodes, becoming a black hole in which to feed all feeling, nothing passing the event horizon…lest I digress; I can still feel sadness so my black hole hypothesis will not become theory or reality anytime soon.

But the more I think about it, the less feasible not feeling things becomes. I have to remember that I chose to become a person that feels, a person that faces every emotional challenge the same way I’ve always conquered other challenges; with tenacity and panache (haha). I chose to become a whole person and that means I chose to become the kind of guy who does not run just because things get a little complicated, the kind of guy who doesn’t bail out just because the ride’s getting a little rough.

(Am I) It’s hard being a grown up sometimes. But I’ve made peace with that. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m not afraid.

(I Am) One thing I do know that this love is real, and that I’d rather feel that joy and take all of the pain that comes with it than to not know how amazing real love is.

Alright, good talk blog, good talk (this is the part where if the blog were a person I’d slap it on the ass and tell it to hit the showers).

Keep it real kids,
❤ ry