Archive for April, 2011

Moments

Mixer

Ahhhhhhhh

God, I am such a swirling mix of emotions right now.

I can’t concentrate on anything.

Please lord give me the strength to see this through and wisdom to know when it’s time.

I’m just glad I got out of work early today, because trying to plaster a smile on my face was fast becoming impossible…

I don’t know which thought is dominating my brain right now, just that I am a very strange mixture of hope and dread.

It is very weird.

Keep it real kids,
(even though real is relative right now)
❤ ry

Something(s)

“These are the times that try men’s souls.” Bonus points if you know who said that first.

Sometimes feeling feelings can be so frightening. It’s incredibly scary to know that another person can hurt you so badly.

The flipside of that is that the very same person who holds so much power to hurt also has the power to make you feel absolutely amazing. They can truly make your life a joyous thing; filled with laughter and light.

Sometimes you have to walk through a lot of darkness before the dawn breaks.

I know that. I’ve walked through some serious dark, its been a long and often tortuous road. One full of pits and dead ends, forks that seem identical until you’ve traveled so far that there is no going back; you can never quite go back to the person that chose one path over another. And honestly I wouldn’t want to: once your eyes have been opened to the greater possibilities of life and love, why would you ever want to close them?

So, yes I’ve walked through this valley, the shadow of death a spectral guest on that path and yet I fear no evil and I can see the sun peeking over the horizon.

“if there’s one thing that I know…”

I have a confidence born not of experience but of a feeling, an inexplicable sense that there is some reason for all of this.

Keep it real kids,
❤ ry

Emotional Adrenaline

Work In Progress

Chalk Board

Throughout my life, I’ve always been afraid of losing people I love. Sometimes I wonder, is there anyone out there afraid to lose me?

There are so many things on my mind tonight, I don’t quite know which one to give my full attention to.

That’s how I tend to deal with the chaos that reigns inside my thoughts. I envision a class room, theres an old chalkboard in the center, the seating is amphitheater style and ultra modern, the chalk board is incredibly out of place.

I love it here; it’s where I teach myself to fly, to live, to love, to learn. I write books in here. In fact I write all sorts of things in this place: poems, scripts, lists – never underestimate the calming power of a list. Sometimes I do esoteric math, not because it’s awesome but because sometimes I have no choice; my subconscious rules this place and I am just a visitor.

But I digress, today my chalk-covered fingers move feverishly over green slate, the board is shiny with age and every stroke squeaks in a pitch high enough I imagine that if there were dogs here, they’d be absolutely losing their minds.

I write things in languages I don’t recall ever having known, I find myself whispering in accents long forgotten, I work backwards from right to left and find that every way I trace this route I find only an empty place in my heart.

Every equation ends with an extraordinary sum, somehow one plus one equals more than two and that when I think about this idea I can’t focus long enough to figure that one out.

Every list I make these days is headed with a vague idea and it somehow matters more than any other list I’ve ever written and yet itemized it seems to only be images and pictures, there are no words that can explain this adequately, and somehow not even that matters: in the sense that somehow I just know that I will break all of my rules for you (I don’t know what to call it, only something in me understands).

My chalk board, once covered in physics and anthropology, synopses and storyboards now holds only a sketch: a girl that doesn’t yet exist and some hastily scribbled cartoon hearts…

Keep it real kids,
❤ ry