Archive for the ‘ Observations ’ Category

Utopi-end

I wonder why I never realize how happy I was at a particular time until I’m looking back.

Strange.

L. O. V. E. Is just another word I never learned to pronounce.

Properly, as it were. Or maybe I just don’t know what it really means. I suppose, looking back, that those who have tried to show me seem rather under-qualified and overly-confident in their abilities (considering the poor quality of the collective resume).

And yet I’m still smiling, apparently my shine is un-tarnishable…and confidence is a stain they can’t wipe off.

In other news I’m going for a run, 2012 marathon trifecta training starts…now.

I have begun to streamline- I am a machine of graceful lines and hard edges, aerodynamic in a rough fashion; as I excise the aforementioned excess my edges begin to become smooth once more.

It is truly a glorious day to be alive.

❤

2011
08/26
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Health
Life
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Observations
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Creati(‘)ve

My creativity comes and goes these days, flickering in and out like a dying lightbulb; buzzing frantically as it struggles to stay lit.

I’m finding ideas hard to find, inspiration now here, now there; no(w)here.

At least I can still be clever about writers block.

Well, not really block, more like writer’s caution tape, I think. I just need the motivation to jump over and see what’s waiting…

Waiting, what am I waiting for?

❤

2011
08/25
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Inspiration
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The machinery of the night

I gaze into the night sky and the stars pull me into the heavens, running ever upward on paths of coherent light.

Nights like these, when the ancient mysteries feel so close to the surface; almost magical and so full of promise.

Inside, I find hope restored and faith renewed. I find that there are no memories of you, or you, or you…

A field of unbroken snow, gleaming, casting starlight back at the sky in my mind.

I’ve heard it said that life’s joys are measured in moments, truly, moments like those are worth all those that try one’s soul.

Every broken heart is made new in time, finding strength in the weakness that recedes after each piece is re-placed.

Stitches and staples, bandaids and tape, each tracing a path taken, pain taken; a patchwork of wisdom won the hard way.

I treasure the wounds as much as the smiles and laughter. Each and every one has made me a stronger, and I hope, a better human.

❤

2011
08/24
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Inspiration
Life
Love
Observations
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(un)Able

Good enough will never be good enough.

Never.

The space that I most like to inhabit, that place between sleep and awake; where dreams and reality merge, has become a place stranger than fiction.

(yes that was a bad religion reference-great band, way underrated)

I wonder. I like that statement, it stands alone well, albeit vaguely.

I also like that the top edge of my wordpress app says ‘write’ no punctuation but still a command. A need, as if it understands what drives me.

Dreams have been so oddly surreal lately. No rhyme or reason, so incoherent; place to place, face to face. No pattern, or perhaps one so complex it escapes me.

It forces me analyze it in ways I don’t usually consider.

Carry no torches and you cannot be burned.

Oh how I enjoy being vague.

❤

2011
08/22
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Iridescent

I need to streamline my life. Excise the excess; truly cut loose that which is slowing me down.

I’ve thought about it before, I’ve ruminated thoroughly on the issues that I believe are detrimental; emotionally, physically, spiritually.

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
when you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now
you were there impossibly alone.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up hope but failiures all you’ve known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go, let it go.

Chester can write, that’s for sure.

❤

2011
08/20
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Inspiration
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Cruella

And I’ve figured it out, somewhat anyway.

I’m an adrenaline junkie. I need intensity. In all aspects of my life. If there is no envelope to be pushed, I’ll create one; I’ve seen me do it.

Coasting is not an option. I crave challenges, obstacles to overcome.

“There is no easy way out…”

I don’t want out, I want it to always mean something, I want it to be amazing. Always.

I find that mundanity is my eternal enemy. It waits, complacency it’s ally, for me to become comfortable and then it springs and I realize that I am utterly, irrevocably bored. That is when life gets horribly average.

I hate average.

What I want, what I need, is something that I will never become bored with, that will always be the perfect mixture of dangerous and safe.

I also want all of the answers to every eternal quandary that has ever plagued humanity.

Ahhhhhh, impossible desire you are a cruel mistress.

Always she leaves me wanting.

❤

2011
08/19
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Inspiration
Life
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Sub Rosa

I am, at this exact moment, listening to Cold’s first album again, it places me firmly in Miami, Flo(o)rida, a while, a decently long while, ago.

“Well I saw the river flow from heaven, rain mistakes on me.”

I saw them when they opened for Jimmy’s Chicken Shack. Yep. It was at a bar in Hollywood, and they drank with us after their set, pretty cool dudes, all of them.

I find myself going on strange journeys, inside, further than forever.

I can’t seem to escape my mind lately. I find too many decisions, lurking ’round every corner. Waiting like stalkers, springing out with a surprised sort of malice to disturb my equilibrium.

I generally thrive under pressure, I find that I excel when it matters. When it matters. I want it to always matter, sometimes though the futility of some situations wrecks my sense of purpose and place.

I firmly believe that anyone can do or be anything if they want it enough. I know what I want. I know how to do it, I can think in three-dimensions; strategically. And yet I find that my motivation is drastically reduced. It makes me question, to stop and ponder, smelling roses and becoming lost as my thumb hovers over the start button.

The last few months have been odd, and oddly revealing. I dream strange dreams; people and places I’ve never known in waking life. I think strange thoughts, previously held in reserve; the sole domain of my subconscious.

It overflows, dams burst, clouds fly apart and rays of starlight illuminate paths I’d not known existed.

A sovereign-specific for a wounded mind. I wonder in those moments where these thoughts come from. They seem almost introduced; not-quite-mine as they flutter at the edge of my awareness.

I don’t know if I’m going to post this.

❤

2011
08/19
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Inspiration
Life
Observations
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forget me

I found this on my hard drive, I remember writing it, but the emotions attached to it had flown. It comes back as I mouth the words, the cadences rolling through my mind; pause, line, break: feel.

I’ve always enjoyed the fact that once I’ve written something down, something that made me feel or was the result of something I had felt that it comes back the moment I re-read it.

It’s a time capusle, a glimpse at who you were and what you felt at some past moment in your life.

What a gift. Language, I mean; the ability to capture the abstract and ephemeral and set it down forever.

forget me

familiar paths and hallways,
flow by me.
forget me.

i can’t sleep anymore,
you’ll never feel the cold,
because you’re not for me (i’m not for you).
forget me.

seasons grow brittle,
i’d like to escape.
forget me.

i’m freezing in this endless summer,
i’d build a world for you,
but i’m no longer that kind of joy.
forget me.

I may have posted this before, or maybe I had read it recently, It just feels familiar. I wrote it five years ago and it still resonates. My life runs in concentric circles. Growing ever outward, encompassing more and more time and space, and yet somehow still drawn to the same spaces that my mind inhabits, in perpetuity? Perhaps, but for now, yes.

❤

2011
08/17
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Life
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Darwin

I’ve survived many things that by all rights should have ended my career here on earth.

I have pondered that many times over the course of my life. I’ve wondered if it were a question of purpose- perhaps I am not finished with whatever it is I was placed here to do.

I’ve thought maybe I am just incredibly lucky in such instances, that somehow just the right combination of factors has allowed me to come through such episodes.

I wonder if perhaps He is always watching over me, keeping me (relatively) safe and sane. That thought, though tied to purpose, is comforting.

Be that as it may, I think that concept of free will forces more exploration, incites theories and gives me an answer that is one part ego, one part hope and several parts speculation:

I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the the fires that burned around me.

So what happens if that fire goes out or runs low on fuel, begins to flicker and die…what happens if I let it be blown out?

Is that something that can be relit?

As always, questions spawn questions, create questions, form more questions.

❤

2011
08/16
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With a fire

“…and you say ‘sorry’ like the angel heaven let me think was you, but I’m afraid: it’s too late to apologize, it’s too late…”

Ever hear a song that reminds you of someone you wish you could forget?

I’m sure you have.

It happens to me constantly, but the song I snatched some lyrics from is one that reminds me of too many people at once. I’ve got three different versions of it on my iPhone. I was listening to some music and editing my novel and with some insane roll of the dice my shuffle played all three in a row.

I don’t know what the odds are on that one but I’m sure it’s a statistical nightmare.

I can barely fathom the feeling. It seems like every shed tear hit me at once, as though my heart broke and re-broke several times over with nothing to break the fall. Just a series of near-fatal crashes; one atop the next.

Images, scenes and still-frames fly by me, happiness turns to tears, love becomes hatred and rounds back again. The cycle flows through faces, places and names.

I re-lived half a lifetime in what was surely only minutes.

I find the happiness so fleeting but somehow the sadness sticks. It holds you, like hands made of razor blades; each caress draws blood, and I am furious at myself for believing.

And then, almost as soon as it began, it was over, spent like a cloudburst. I found my center, heart beating wildly, breathing ragged and uneven.

It felt exactly like that moment your head breaks the surface after staying underwater too long.

It was surely one of the oddest things I’ve ever experienced.

I absolutely hate it when my powers of description desert me.

❤

2011
08/15
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Life
Love
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