cogito ergo doleo

I run.

Expecting something super deep and eloquent like iWrite? Yeah, with the running it’s more of a “curro ergo sum” kinda thing.

Basically I love to run, which is evident if you know me. I’ve got a few things I love, I mean really love, about my life:

Running has become one of them. I used to hate running. I played sports in which running was a punishment, so it was always negative reinforcement. It has been a personal triumph to turn a negative into a positive. I’d like to be able to do that in all aspects of my life.

There are so many things I would like to make more positive, for example: (most) interactions with others, I tend to put up walls, make people stand off at arms length. I seem to automatically push people out to a comfortable distance, by comfortable distance I mean that I build an image in my mind, an image of a stronger, more confident, smarter, more arrogant version of myself and then cram my psyche into that image and pretend that I am him. It’s a defense mechanism; it makes most people kind of dislike me, which in turn makes them not want to get to know me, which keeps them out at a safe distance from me.

If they are in an outer orbit they can’t crash into you: in my head I see that dinosaur-killing asteroid (everyone I know), all jagged and Texas-sized, careening toward earth (me), picking up speed and starting to glow as it melts from the friction in my atmosphere…and then boom. Someone new to break off a piece of my heart and take it with them when they leave.

I try very hard not to go to that place anymore, being a whole human being is work. I do try. But it’s a process and i fear that I’ll always be a work in progress. I do feel a small sense of triumph at being able to recognize some of my flaws and a larger sense of accomplishment when I actively try to correct them.

And full circle as it relates to running: things like the preceding are what I think about when I run.

Keep it real kids,
❤ ry