Am I/I Am

“I’d love to postpone darlin, but I just cashed my last raincheck.”
-Scott Pilgrim

So I think I need to write more before I can sleep. I want to work on my novel, but I don’t feel up to being other people right now; I’m having enough trouble being me.

Well it’s not quite so melodramatic as all that. I’m just, well sad I guess.

I’m wishing/wanting and it’s hard on the heart. I’m writing in circles, my thoughts unclear, everything I say seems to go nowhere.

I’d say I’m only talking right now to hear myself speak, but I’m typing and my voice only echoes back in the hollow vaults of my mind, rushing from wall to wall, a confusing welter of sound and feeling. The walls reverberating as the sounds crash together, becoming one rumbling note: breaking the vault and loosing the caged emotions I try so hard to crush down into a pinpoint. Crush it until it implodes, becoming a black hole in which to feed all feeling, nothing passing the event horizon…lest I digress; I can still feel sadness so my black hole hypothesis will not become theory or reality anytime soon.

But the more I think about it, the less feasible not feeling things becomes. I have to remember that I chose to become a person that feels, a person that faces every emotional challenge the same way I’ve always conquered other challenges; with tenacity and panache (haha). I chose to become a whole person and that means I chose to become the kind of guy who does not run just because things get a little complicated, the kind of guy who doesn’t bail out just because the ride’s getting a little rough.

(Am I) It’s hard being a grown up sometimes. But I’ve made peace with that. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m not afraid.

(I Am) One thing I do know that this love is real, and that I’d rather feel that joy and take all of the pain that comes with it than to not know how amazing real love is.

Alright, good talk blog, good talk (this is the part where if the blog were a person I’d slap it on the ass and tell it to hit the showers).

Keep it real kids,
❤ ry

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