cogito ergo doleo

I see darkness, almost thick enough to taste. I could walk on it.

Then it shatters, becomes images, pictures and sound, rolling around; swirls like a kaleidoscope.

Fractures and rough edges crash and break like waves, only each wave is really pain and every break rubs raw like sand pelting windburned skin. The waves creep higher with every crash and they swirl with images of past and present hurts; sea foam bubbling with the possibilities of future betrayal.

There are things to be found here, in this allegory; lessons to be learned if one can pick through all of the messy memories.

I find that it’s easiest to imagine it as I’ve described. It makes sense to swim through them, diving down deep to the sea floor of the subconscious to find the real bottom of things.

It is odd to swim through one’s own memories, perhaps I am simply a creature of the visual; so much so that I equate everything with imagery. Perhaps it is my memory, I wish I could forget things, but anything charged with the least bit of emotion or sentimentality becomes locked away forever within me.

And although I’d like to forget how sometimes; I can never stop being me.

At the edge of the future, my dreams all fade away, I always wonder what it is I will come to remember as today.

❤