(un)Condition(al)

“Suspicion is my new religion and you’re all too sketch to breathe.”

– found that little gem in an old notebook

Soundboards. I need more of them in my life. They are so much more necessary than I’d ever have believed.

For me, almost always (even if it’s only in the sense that I tend to talk to myself) trying to explain an idea makes that idea so much easier to understand.

I rather enjoy that.

The basics of conceptual construction are elegant in their simplicity: grasping a concept; making an idea take root in your subconscious so it will grow into something real and tangible in your everyday, waking life.

And of course by the process of explanation that idea takes a firmer hold: it’s basic operant conditioning. The repetition and the positive reinforcement (from taking pleasure in [perhaps explaining, perhaps merely in understanding] a concept).

*Yes, I just bracketed inside parentheses. I’m kind of a badass like that.*

Now on to odd(er) thoughts and even odder theories.

The chronicles progress; I can channel every ounce of pain into my protagonist, he becomes something tangible, something surreal.

He is a paradox because he is both me and nothing. No. Thing. And yet it seems he can feel far more than I sometimes.

It makes a believable (anti-?)hero.

It makes my life feel unreal.

And I am of two minds on my gifts:

Occasionally I wonder if I’d prefer a less tortured (and less talented) existence. I sometimes believe that intelligence is a curse-cum-blessing.

It’s a responsibility. I know that I should use my gifts for the betterment of everyone around me, which thanks to our global communications system is a rather large responsibility. Don’t ask how I know, if you have to ask you won’t get the explanation.

I hope I am worthy of it, I hope that I prove capable.

Secretly, I believe that I am more than capable, pride is ever my constant companion; no matter how hard I struggle for humility. I am always too full of my ability. I pray for modesty, I hope that I can learn it.

I find that oftentimes I don’t want to be right about people.

It’s always difficult to write (ironic phrasing I know) someone off, to move them from column to column; a spreadsheet of those who are and those who are not: I hate that I’ve become so good at it.

I…

I am not sleeping well anymore. I am barely sleeping at all, truth be told. My dreams are almost always nightmares, vivid and intense, so very real. I find myself ruminating on the nature of reality, for what is reality but our perception of it?

Physics does not help me here, not even philotics or quantum coupling. There is no rational explanation for what it is that I know to be true. And how sad it is that it is so. I would almost call it karmic but I know that debt has been paid and over-paid. I do find some dark humor in it though, I must admit.

I wish that I were more able to keep my perception(s) to myself, to unshare my view. Not always, just when I need to.

It is impossible for me to describe the feeling icing my veins tonight:

Alternately, I have to keep moving, keep running forward because I have to believe that something amazing is waiting just around the corner and then I am frozen in place by a sense of loss so bottomless that I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to breathe again.

It’s nights like these that try my soul. These are the times I have to stand solidly alone, as I always do.

It’s hard sometimes to be strong, because to be strong you must first be weak.

I wish He didn’t trust that I can handle all that I can.

Sometimes anyway. Most times I am simply grateful; for every smile, every pained grimace. I am grateful for the absolute blessing that is every single simple joy and every jolt of pain to be experienced on this plane.

I am blessed by this gift, life. It is, as always, what you make of it.

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  1. “Occasionally I wonder if I’d prefer a less tortured (and less talented) existence. I sometimes believe that intelligence is a curse-cum-blessing.” I’ve wondered this as well. If life would be…easier. But then when I get too deep into imagining what this would be like, it’s like a waking nightmare. I’d rather be tortured.

    “It’s always difficult to write (ironic phrasing I know) someone off, to move them from column to column…” Does this bring to you a certain sadness as well; a feeling of loneliness, like a death of sorts? The moment of realization, for me, is disappointing. I’ve tried to find ways around this, to circumvent my own mind. Come to think of it, I do that a lot in other areas. I’m all about the loopholes but I wonder if that’s healthy, or is it a legality of denial? I used to think ‘judgment’ was a bad word but now I’m finding it’s a necessity. Perhaps PREMATURE judgment is what’s unhealthy and detrimental because to my delight, I’ve found a few ‘column B’s’ held hidden treasures of insights…like a diamond from coal or a pearl from an irritant. 😉

    “I find myself ruminating on the nature of reality, for what is reality but our perception of it?” That’s a real mindf**k isn’t it? Sometimes I think it’s a surefire way to insanity…dwelling on it too much. Wondering too much. Searching for explanations to the unexplained, on a frantic quest through a labyrinth where everyone else is just as lost. Some more ignorant, blindly following, and others convincingly swearing they know the answers and have The Map and so you follow the dead-end trail only to realize they are no further to finding their way out. So I’ve quit listening for now. I’m content with my own semi-answers, intuitions and unanswered questions. “There is no rational explanation for what it is that I know to be true.”

    Peering over the wall? This was a good post.

    • That moment of realization is so hard to describe! It’s like a sinking feeling, an icy vein of ‘ugh’ that flows through me.

      It’s always sad, I hate being forced to give up on someone, or to reevaluate how I feel about them. It’s most sad to me that I’ve gotten so used to it. It seems like there are so many selfish people out there, not just situationally or circumstantially selfish because sometimes everyone needs to be selfish – I am mostly talking about people who are just generally selfish; oblivious to what they do to other people or genuinely uncaring. I always see good things in everyone and it’s hard when you realize that you’re the only one that sees that potential. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking but I always want to believe the best in everyone I meet.

      I hope that never changes too.

  2. Yeah! It’s like watching someone die…no, worse…like watching them fade away into a purgatory-like place. But that feeling…that ‘icy vein of ugh’…is what feels like death. The moment you realize they’re ‘gone’ and there’s no saving them because they’re just oblivious. I fucking hate it. It makes my soul sad.

    And I don’t think it’s wrong to see the good in people, or rather their potential, but I know that where I’ve personally gone wrong is in not seeing the whole picture upfront. Only seeing the good. This is where I think the sadness comes in because there have been times when I haven’t had anything at stake…no reason to not see clearly…and I see them as they really are, both good and bad. That’s when I have no feelings attached with the ‘judgment’. Just an acceptance of them at face value.

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