cogito ergo doleo

Today I am looking back.

Not going back, but looking; a vista through the rearview mirror. Encased in a frame and seen peripherally as I continue to move away.

I see so many people, left behind, standing lonely or in pairs. Separated, cut off.

I wonder if sometimes I am too harsh when I cut people out of my life. I wonder if I believe in redemption or if it is a fairy tale like so many other concepts we are taught, then forget.

I find it harder and harder to forgive people’s trespasses, (this is a bad thing, in both of the traditions I am heir to) and I wonder if I’ve been forgiven.

I do not want to become cold, unfeeling. I remember that young man, he did not feel much pain, but neither did he feel much joy. I wonder if we really do define our lives in terms of levels of misery; if we have to feel tragedy to know miracles.

I always think that I think too much, and consequently sometimes I do not think enough.

I have made many mistakes, I’d like to think I’ve learned from them. I wish I had more trust in people, I find that I keep most at arms length, outside the wall, circling the moat like a band of hungry sharks.

Always my metaphor is dark.

I need a vacation.

❤