Eternal Sunshine/spotted mind

This week of last year, my life was flipped on it’s head. It still resonates today.

I find myself placing memories in a box, sealing it with tape. The shuffle on my iPhone seems to understand exactly what I’m trying to say.

I’m pushing everything into a form that I will soon step outside of. Seeking with a sick kind of desperation to escape.

I let every pained grimace, every rip and tear in my heart, every thought that sends saline washing down my cheeks, flow over me.

I let it all hit me at once, let it break and re-form me. There is almost a strange sort of joy in allowing it all to flow through.

I find strength in the weaknesses that have led to this point; I look back and see every juncture that had I only been a little stronger, a little more sure, a bit more…fierce in my heart.

I can let all of the grief and rage leave me, I can step outside of sadness, placing it firmly in that box.

A little older, a little wiser. I vow to never break. Not again, not like this.

I wonder, often, why I must internalize everything so fully, why I need to feel everything so completely that I risk destroying myself. This always leads me to wonder what it is about intensity that so draws me to it; moth buzzing a candle, flickering, twisting-turning, my wings are always almost ablaze.

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  1. Because life without intensity would be like food without flavor or like music that doesn’t move you in some way. At least to me it would be.

    I’ve pondered the same things, have made the same vow. And as much as I have been in pain over the last year, as much as I’d love to put that part of me in a box too, I know. Deep down I know that my desire to be near the flame will one day override everything else. My rational mind fears that day but my soul longs for it to come swiftly and to ravish me.

    • Absolutely, the razor’s edge is always home for me. For some reason that moment before I jump, that heart-pounding, shaking adrenaline is always strangely comforting.

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