Author Archive
I had started a post a day or so ago, typically (of late anyway) it was somewhat whiny, slightly philosophical; a dubious contribution to literature.
Then I watched a documentary about Burma, shot in secret by a man who risked prison by taking video of daily life in his own country.
That’s what real problems look like.
Check it out if you’ve got hbo or can find it: Burma VJ: Reporting from a closed country
❤
I had started a post a day or so ago, typically (of late anyway) it was somewhat whiny, slightly philosophical; a dubious contribution to literature.
Then I watched a documentary about Burma, shot in secret by a man who risked prison by taking video of daily life in his own country.
That’s what real problems look like.
Check it out if you’ve got hbo or can find it: Burma VJ: Reporting from a closed country
❤
There is no such thing as someday. There will never be a later. Either you go after what it is that you want or watch it fade away forever.
I can live with the regrets I have, because I only regret things that I have not done, or waited too long to say.
I regret chances I didn’t take, risks I thought too much.
There is only now, yesterday is simply wasted time, tomorrow is a might have been and the ephemeral future; hazy and indistinct, beckons with a frenzy born of desperation. It screams and wails and rages against your plans, and your hopes and dreams fall away.
Only you have the power to create a destiny that you can live with, it seems that there is no “we” in this, the land of eternal “I’s”.
“And I wonder why, I never wonder why, the easiest things are so hard.”
When you look back what do you see?
❤
Have you ever noticed how many pharmaceutical commercials there are these days? It’s a little weird. What I really want to know is why do so many of these drugs cause anal leakage? I feel like that is a rather unacceptable side effect.
Just sayin.
For once, I really don’t have much else to say. Odd, I know.
Maybe later.
❤
Today I am looking back.
Not going back, but looking; a vista through the rearview mirror. Encased in a frame and seen peripherally as I continue to move away.
I see so many people, left behind, standing lonely or in pairs. Separated, cut off.
I wonder if sometimes I am too harsh when I cut people out of my life. I wonder if I believe in redemption or if it is a fairy tale like so many other concepts we are taught, then forget.
I find it harder and harder to forgive people’s trespasses, (this is a bad thing, in both of the traditions I am heir to) and I wonder if I’ve been forgiven.
I do not want to become cold, unfeeling. I remember that young man, he did not feel much pain, but neither did he feel much joy. I wonder if we really do define our lives in terms of levels of misery; if we have to feel tragedy to know miracles.
I always think that I think too much, and consequently sometimes I do not think enough.
I have made many mistakes, I’d like to think I’ve learned from them. I wish I had more trust in people, I find that I keep most at arms length, outside the wall, circling the moat like a band of hungry sharks.
Always my metaphor is dark.
I need a vacation.
❤
Sometimes I realize that the fire that has always burned so brightly within, grows dim.
I wonder where the passion, the surety of purpose and place has gone in those moments.
I remember the feeling of drive, of ambition; that burning flame inside of me that has always pushed me to excel.
I know that I have accomplished many things that are difficult to achieve, I’ve conquered every challenge thrown in my direction, or that I have sought for myself to continually push the envelope.
I still have drive, I still push myself, but I often wonder if I still push hard enough, if the fire still burns as brightly as it always has. I wonder where the fuel comes from, if it is inexhaustible or like any other resource if I am coming closer and closer to the limit of my inner-endurance.
My thoughts always move from this into purpose; where am I going and why.
What is it that I am driving myself toward?
I wonder about the people that I have met on this journey and what I have given to and taken from them. I wonder about the people that have put dents in my heart, rents in my soul and thoughts in my mind.
Always I come back to why.
Nosce Te Ipsum
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I think this is going to be more of a disjointed general update, rather than a focused update.
Of sorts.
At any rate I’m healing, it’s been a mixture of good and bad news. The scarring has been minimal considering the seriousness of the injury.
That being said, the docs don’t know if I’ll ever regain full use of the right side of my upper lip. C’est la vie, I was too pretty anyway.
I haven’t been able to run, which is annoying since it’s one of my better outlets for dealing with emotions that I am unable to articulate with language.
I feel like a curious mixture of both hope and despair. That being said, I am in no way depressed, just reevaluating and speculating.
I have always found that my life nearly always gives me what I need, the reason for this escapes me but I’m sure it will become clear in time.
I am becoming more and more excited about moving. There are several choices on the table, all of them involve sun, sand and salt water. This makes me smile (well half a smile, it’s all I can currently manage).
There are things here in Ohio that I will certainly miss, but the lure of new adventures is simply too great to ignore. I enjoy starting new chapters, it’s a blank slate, there is purpose and direction, but the pages are waiting to be written and I find that filling those spaces with experiences is something I cannot live without.
Life here has become routine, stagnant; an unhappy medium, something I simply cannot let myself become comfortable with.
My life has always been about going big. I have always felt that you can create your own greatness, your own story can be whatever you want it to be. You just have to want it enough. I have always been a creature of passion, of extreme desire to succeed; on my own terms.
I will not become an old man, filled with regret.
There are still so many stories to be written, songs to be sung and adventures to be had. My ambition is to make sure I capture as many of them as I can.
❤
“There is nothing so dangerous as a dimwit who thinks they’re a genius.”
-me (during a convo avec ma souer [that’s my sister for all of you non-francophiles])
I feel like long after my death I will be quoted in snarky tones. I wish I could be there for it, but I suppose the foreknowledge that it’ll happen will have to be comfort enough.
I should, once again, be asleep. Instead I am giddy over a softball tournament in the morning and am writing in my blog.
Have I told all of you how much I appreciate the fact that you read the things I write? Well, I do. Muchly, good looking out everyone, you’re the smartest and best-looking bunch on the intarwebz.
Not a whole lot to dish out at the moment, I just enjoy writing, even when I’m writing about nothing. Which I’m sure all of you know by now. I can actually hear my own voice in my head right now as I type this on the ridiculously small virtual keypad on my iPhone.
I realized the other day that I only use my laptop to write books on, I can use my phone for everything else: take that starwars datapad-comlink combo, I have one device that does far more in a galaxy much closer and not so long ago.
But I can’t use the force and to my infinite frustration and regret absolutely no amount of birthday wishes will spontaneously create me a friggin lightsaber.
So we’ll call this one a draw k George Lucas?
Speaking of space, I still feel as ripped off today as I did when I got my first pair of glasses over the knowledge that I’ll never fly a spaceship.
I remember being in third grade, everyone is going around the room with what they want to be when they grow up and the inane chorus of “fireman”, “policeman”, “teacher”, “astronaut” and “doctor” gets to me and I, without hesitation, say: “I’m going to be a Jedi when I grow up.” To which my teacher (who shall remain nameless lest the secret agents in charge of squashing children’s dreams decide to award her a medal after they find out about her infinite evil) replies, “Now don’t be silly Ryan, you can’t be a Jedi.”
I looked her square in the beady, reptilian eyes and said: “Maybe you can’t, but I can be anything I want to be.”
So yes, I have always been this cocky, although I think that confident sounds much nicer, ya know?
❤
I just had one of those “scene-from-a-movie” moments.
So I’m at work, right now as I write this. I literally just sprinted about five-hundred or so yards to my car to roll up my windows.
After I rolled them up I’m walking across the parking lot, there’s an odd hum in the air, it’s hot but the humidity is way down and it’s light outside, a weird sort of not-quite twilight that sprays the sky with navy blues and violets and magentas. A huge, and I really mean huge like as wide as my house huge, lightning bolt splashes down and the sky just opened up, like god turned on the faucet.
It was absolutely fucking glorious.
❤
It’s one a.m. I should be asleep, I have a wicked long day tomorrow, but instead I’m sitting by the pool with a rolling rock.
Life decisions are flying at me at the speed of light, I feel gravity trying to pull me back, to hold my feet firmly on the ground. I wonder if there is a happy medium, or if that too is something they tell you at school, something uttered as if average is somehow something you should actually aim for.
I am quintessentially something of a paradox. I dream big, I find hard things easy and yet I still fail and when I do it is usually epic in scope and always tragic (for me at least).
I have so many decisions to make and so fast it seems. I wonder if they’ll be the right ones or if it even matters as long as I jump off of this fence.
Can I just say, maybe quietly to myself, that being a genius is a friggin curse. I do like being smarter than most people but I hate the fact that I second, third, fourth and fifth guess myself on the daily.
K, whiny rant about being smart over.
Side note: I bought http://www.ryanmccracken.org which is now where my wordpress blog resides, the wordpress address will auto-redirect so it’s all good and I chose .org because it’s the first three letters of orgasm and I’m a guy.
I may be a geek, but I’m also a jock and I do have my ridiculously immature moments.
Man, I have to say, despite all the craziness in my life I really do love being me 🙂
❤
curro ergo sum 