Relief
Ah, well I got a new iPhone and all of my locally-saved, not-quite posts were deleted.
Almost a relief it is.
❤
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Ah, well I got a new iPhone and all of my locally-saved, not-quite posts were deleted.
Almost a relief it is.
❤
Why does everything that exists, exist?
Everytime this why hits me I feel it. A spike of adrenaline, an inrushing surge of fear sense. My lizard-brain, limbic, fight or flight response has me scanning for exits; my fingernails digging furrows in my palms.
Why.
What is this place and why does it exist. Why are we here. Every why can be boiled down to those. They’re barely even questions anymore just nursery rhyme statements I scream to myself in the back of my thoughts.
Underlying every single word I say, all day, every day is WHY.
I have to know and I hate that I know I never will.
❤
I learn so many rad things from the interwebs when I can’t sleep.
❤
True strength comes from within. It’s something you’re born with, something instinctual. The trials of your life will give you plenty of opportunity to unlock that strength.
Whether or not you rise to that challenge is purely your own choice. I firmly believe that.
Inside of each and every human being is the potential for greatness. As a species we tend to ignore this.
Fear, laziness, pure cussed apathy – just a few. We’re taught in school to sit quietly for eight hours a day and take directions. Do what we’re told. This is the prison that our global society has built for your mind.
You have the strength inside you to break free. Inside your mind is a key. Your key.
Use it.
❤
Everyone has a dark side, or perhaps a bit of darkness in their nature.
I imagine that I can see mine; coiled and waiting, filled with a latent energy. I can sense filmy tendrils of it, pulling on heart-strings; striking chords off of my very soul.
I always see things in terms of color in my mind. These tendrils are dark, filled with the red of rage and that deep purple of stayed frustration. They flow freely in rivers and streams, but (nearly) always contained by high banks and dams.
Sometimes these rivers run bank-full, droplets splashing over into the rest of my mind.
Sometimes a dam bursts.
Sometimes.
❤
Breathe.
Just breathe.
It feels like forever since I’ve been able to stop and breathe and sort through my thoughts.
Imagine Dragons. New band I’ve been listening to. When I get home from work I sort through iTunes’s proffered musical treats and then I plug my brain into my iPhone and close my eyes.
Trying to breathe.
Free time, something I miss and wish
I had more of. Scratch that, something I wish I had any of.
This post has no flow to it whatsoever. I’m too tired to write most of the time lately – which is mightily frustrating for someone who can only process things properly by writing them down.
Salt water and sunshine so close I can taste the saline.
❤
I think I have too much to say, and never enough time to say it. I’ve got theories, like little stars – lighting up my mind.
So many ideas that I never talk about. I have never wondered why, until this very moment, 04:41 EST. 09/05/12.
Something new to think about anyway.
❤
Once again Everest haunts my dreams and taunts my waking mind.
I see the cloud cover on the peak, survey the blanket of fog and snow stretching for leagues in every direction. I can feel the freezing wind on my face and I always wake just as I leap from the summit and the currents carry me aloft.
Someday.
❤
Finally, I have a solid plan for finishing this project.
So many other ideas have been pounding at the doors in my mind while I’ve floundered about trying to come up with a believable piece of storytelling.
I could hear them, singing outside my window each night, begging for their turns, for their stories to be told. Their cries became shrill and I had forced the chorus of their shrieking demands to become a sort of background chatter – that while growing dim at times – never fully quieted.
They can spared a bit of my attention now.
❤
I ruminate. Rather often, in fact. But rarely of late have I put fingers to keyboard.
The idea of a cosmic imperative is at once comforting and disconcerting.
Comforting in a way that none of the religious traditions I am heir to have ever been.
Disconcerting because if this was intended then the universe is filled with a dark purpose I cannot quite comprehend.
I wonder if our technological aptitude has subverted this process, if we have not in some ways taken this imperative into our own hands. I wonder what the consequences will be.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Newton. He’s been right about much more than mathematics for us to disregard that.
I wonder. As always, when these quiet moments find me – it is some more wondering that I must do. Driven to it almost, as if there were an imperative that I do so.
I look inward first – ever inward – as if there are answers buried in my mind. Then pushing outward, sometimes, just sometimes I can almost feel my consciousness expand, encompassing much that is not me. And then it is gone, and I look out through a window onto the mundanity that is reality. And…
When I look at the world around me, those wonderings are generally dark. Hope, like the little glowing stars of cities seen from orbit, breaks up the darkness in places, but the shadow always grows to reclaim them.
❤
curro ergo sum 