Posts Tagged ‘ postaday2012 ’

Last of 2012

So it’s the end of 2012, I suppose that I should have something enlightened or at least semi-enlightening to say…I really don’t think I do though.

I wish all of you luck, love and life in the new year.

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Something from Nothing

I am building things. Creating something from nothing. Odd sounding, I suppose it’s not nothing but whenever I create something – art, writing or games I start with a blank page and put words, line or code on that page. So, something from nothing feels like it fits.

The catalyst is me. Without me those pages would stay forever blank.

I often wonder what it is I’ll leave behind when I’m gone. Something more than a memory of the person I was for those whose lives I’ve touched.

Something more than ephemeral thoughts that will die with those that think them.

Legacy.

Levels

Level design actually doesn’t feel like work. . .is this what they were talking about when they said find something you love to do and you’ll never work a day in your life?

I would’ve never believed that one.

Where do I begin?

As the title says…at any rate 2012 is almost gone and it has been a year filled with both normalcy and insanity.

I rather like that.

I deleted my Facebook. Absolutely liberating that.

I dissolved the LLC I was partnered in, the short of the long – my partner never held up anything remotely resembling a fraction of a portion of a workload.

But out of that experience came my company. I’ve begun to build it ground up; bootstraps firmly held. Only gravity holds my feet on the ground these days it seems.

I’m learning several new programming languages concurrently…I wish I could say that it were easy to do so, but it’s real work.

I’ve thought rather intensely when I’ve got some free time about the major events of my life, many of which have been the kinds of things that can break people.

I tend to jump back and forth on the idea that things happen for a reason. If you asked me today I’d tell you that they do, and that they have built me into something that can take almost any hit right on the chin and grin through it.

Somedays I feel it more than others but I’m still looking up and that is pure encouragement.

I’m building worlds, some with words, some with pixels but I’m making dreams real, my own for the moment and hopefully someday I’ll be able to build it into something so big it can make other people’s dreams become real and tangible – to make those secret hopes they cling to in the deepest hidey-holes in their hearts become their lives.

I know that in person I can “come off” as arrogant, egotistical, hard, irreverent and sometimes (more than) a little crazy.

I am wild. I am unapologetic. I am the me I am because I was molded by time and experiences: in that I am just like you.

Underneath all of that still lives the little boy that looked up into the night sky and dreamt of setting foot on the planets that orbited those visible stars.

Well, failing that, the man that encapsulates that boy will do his best to bring those stars down here where we can all marvel at them.

Remembrances

I deleted my Facebook a lil while back. Blissfully silent have the petty people on the outskirts of my life been since.

The periphery has been peaceful.

In other news I’ve been thinking a lot about my time in graduate school; booking time in the lab to unlock the secrets of our biology. Thinking hard about how to ‘fix’ our genetics. Running experiments and waiting for my numbers to coalesce into answers.

Listening to tenured brains tell me that what I wanted to do was impossible – that my ambitions were unachievable.

I ended up getting into an ivy-league PhD program. They thought my dreams were possible, probable even. The question became one of funding. An NSF grant looks great on my CV but an advanced degree it does not pay for.

So I write, and think and jump out of airplanes and off of high things.

The answers are out there, what I need is a mini-me to pass the torch to.

Relief

Ah, well I got a new iPhone and all of my locally-saved, not-quite posts were deleted.

Almost a relief it is.

Why.

Why does everything that exists, exist?

Everytime this why hits me I feel it. A spike of adrenaline, an inrushing surge of fear sense. My lizard-brain, limbic, fight or flight response has me scanning for exits; my fingernails digging furrows in my palms.

Why.

What is this place and why does it exist. Why are we here. Every why can be boiled down to those. They’re barely even questions anymore just nursery rhyme statements I scream to myself in the back of my thoughts.

Underlying every single word I say, all day, every day is WHY.

I have to know and I hate that I know I never will.