Archive for the ‘ Inspiration ’ Category

Matrices

…a man needs something he can hold onto, a nine-pound hammer or a woman like you, either one of those things will do…a picture of you holding a picture of me in the pocket of my blue jeans, still don’t know what love means…

That resonates today, equal parts anguish and angst.

Suspended animation, ice running through my veins. Trapped here in the melancholy of my memory.

The rollercoaster of (my) life is more about misery than amusement lately. I find myself oddly comforted by quantum mechanics today; many worlds theory. I can look back and see every choice that has led to this place.

Like signposts, or in my mind matrix theory; a black canvas lit up in glowing blues, whites and reds, each glowing ball a decision – roads flowing from each to other matrices. The colors signify my belief in the correctness of a particular decision that led to a particular time and place.

I can see where I have done things perfectly, horribly or simply made the only choice available in certain situations. I find the map grows fuzzy where choices were taken out of my hands; balls dropped, things broken.

Somewhere out there, in an alternate reality, filmy and half-real, is a me who does everything right.

I wonder what he has learned from his life.

❤

2011
09/06
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CATEGORY
Inspiration
Life
Love
Observations
Physics
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Importance

Tomorrow, I begin again.

High hopes, hopefully not unfounded.

I have asked, and I hope I shall receive.

Typically vague, I know, I’ll explain later.

❤

2011
08/31
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CATEGORY
Inspiration
Life
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Quest-ions

Searching, seeking, wander-wondering, wishing.

I am a seeker. I search for answers, for understanding. I wonder about everything, I always have.

It’s one of the major driving forces in my life. I need to understand everything and everyone around me.

The eclectic mixture that made up my undergrad curriculum shows a pattern, like a gridded-off search area, the quest for answers is written in bold on my transcripts.

The machinery of the universe is in the background, my quest has always been one of somehow quantifying the human experience.

Are we human beings having spiritual experiences or spirits having a human experience?

The answer is in the journey, but it’s question that drives me.

❤

2011
08/27
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CATEGORY
Inspiration
Life
Observations
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Creati(‘)ve

My creativity comes and goes these days, flickering in and out like a dying lightbulb; buzzing frantically as it struggles to stay lit.

I’m finding ideas hard to find, inspiration now here, now there; no(w)here.

At least I can still be clever about writers block.

Well, not really block, more like writer’s caution tape, I think. I just need the motivation to jump over and see what’s waiting…

Waiting, what am I waiting for?

❤

2011
08/25
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CATEGORY
Inspiration
Observations
Writing
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The machinery of the night

I gaze into the night sky and the stars pull me into the heavens, running ever upward on paths of coherent light.

Nights like these, when the ancient mysteries feel so close to the surface; almost magical and so full of promise.

Inside, I find hope restored and faith renewed. I find that there are no memories of you, or you, or you…

A field of unbroken snow, gleaming, casting starlight back at the sky in my mind.

I’ve heard it said that life’s joys are measured in moments, truly, moments like those are worth all those that try one’s soul.

Every broken heart is made new in time, finding strength in the weakness that recedes after each piece is re-placed.

Stitches and staples, bandaids and tape, each tracing a path taken, pain taken; a patchwork of wisdom won the hard way.

I treasure the wounds as much as the smiles and laughter. Each and every one has made me a stronger, and I hope, a better human.

❤

2011
08/24
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CATEGORY
Inspiration
Life
Love
Observations
Writing
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Iridescent

I need to streamline my life. Excise the excess; truly cut loose that which is slowing me down.

I’ve thought about it before, I’ve ruminated thoroughly on the issues that I believe are detrimental; emotionally, physically, spiritually.

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
when you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now
you were there impossibly alone.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up hope but failiures all you’ve known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go, let it go.

Chester can write, that’s for sure.

❤

2011
08/20
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CATEGORY
Inspiration
Life
Observations
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Cruella

And I’ve figured it out, somewhat anyway.

I’m an adrenaline junkie. I need intensity. In all aspects of my life. If there is no envelope to be pushed, I’ll create one; I’ve seen me do it.

Coasting is not an option. I crave challenges, obstacles to overcome.

“There is no easy way out…”

I don’t want out, I want it to always mean something, I want it to be amazing. Always.

I find that mundanity is my eternal enemy. It waits, complacency it’s ally, for me to become comfortable and then it springs and I realize that I am utterly, irrevocably bored. That is when life gets horribly average.

I hate average.

What I want, what I need, is something that I will never become bored with, that will always be the perfect mixture of dangerous and safe.

I also want all of the answers to every eternal quandary that has ever plagued humanity.

Ahhhhhh, impossible desire you are a cruel mistress.

Always she leaves me wanting.

❤

2011
08/19
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CATEGORY
Inspiration
Life
Observations
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Sub Rosa

I am, at this exact moment, listening to Cold’s first album again, it places me firmly in Miami, Flo(o)rida, a while, a decently long while, ago.

“Well I saw the river flow from heaven, rain mistakes on me.”

I saw them when they opened for Jimmy’s Chicken Shack. Yep. It was at a bar in Hollywood, and they drank with us after their set, pretty cool dudes, all of them.

I find myself going on strange journeys, inside, further than forever.

I can’t seem to escape my mind lately. I find too many decisions, lurking ’round every corner. Waiting like stalkers, springing out with a surprised sort of malice to disturb my equilibrium.

I generally thrive under pressure, I find that I excel when it matters. When it matters. I want it to always matter, sometimes though the futility of some situations wrecks my sense of purpose and place.

I firmly believe that anyone can do or be anything if they want it enough. I know what I want. I know how to do it, I can think in three-dimensions; strategically. And yet I find that my motivation is drastically reduced. It makes me question, to stop and ponder, smelling roses and becoming lost as my thumb hovers over the start button.

The last few months have been odd, and oddly revealing. I dream strange dreams; people and places I’ve never known in waking life. I think strange thoughts, previously held in reserve; the sole domain of my subconscious.

It overflows, dams burst, clouds fly apart and rays of starlight illuminate paths I’d not known existed.

A sovereign-specific for a wounded mind. I wonder in those moments where these thoughts come from. They seem almost introduced; not-quite-mine as they flutter at the edge of my awareness.

I don’t know if I’m going to post this.

❤

2011
08/19
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CATEGORY
Inspiration
Life
Observations
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forget me

I found this on my hard drive, I remember writing it, but the emotions attached to it had flown. It comes back as I mouth the words, the cadences rolling through my mind; pause, line, break: feel.

I’ve always enjoyed the fact that once I’ve written something down, something that made me feel or was the result of something I had felt that it comes back the moment I re-read it.

It’s a time capusle, a glimpse at who you were and what you felt at some past moment in your life.

What a gift. Language, I mean; the ability to capture the abstract and ephemeral and set it down forever.

forget me

familiar paths and hallways,
flow by me.
forget me.

i can’t sleep anymore,
you’ll never feel the cold,
because you’re not for me (i’m not for you).
forget me.

seasons grow brittle,
i’d like to escape.
forget me.

i’m freezing in this endless summer,
i’d build a world for you,
but i’m no longer that kind of joy.
forget me.

I may have posted this before, or maybe I had read it recently, It just feels familiar. I wrote it five years ago and it still resonates. My life runs in concentric circles. Growing ever outward, encompassing more and more time and space, and yet somehow still drawn to the same spaces that my mind inhabits, in perpetuity? Perhaps, but for now, yes.

❤

2011
08/17
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CATEGORY
Inspiration
Life
Love
Observations
Writing
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Darwin

I’ve survived many things that by all rights should have ended my career here on earth.

I have pondered that many times over the course of my life. I’ve wondered if it were a question of purpose- perhaps I am not finished with whatever it is I was placed here to do.

I’ve thought maybe I am just incredibly lucky in such instances, that somehow just the right combination of factors has allowed me to come through such episodes.

I wonder if perhaps He is always watching over me, keeping me (relatively) safe and sane. That thought, though tied to purpose, is comforting.

Be that as it may, I think that concept of free will forces more exploration, incites theories and gives me an answer that is one part ego, one part hope and several parts speculation:

I survived because the fire inside me burned brighter than the the fires that burned around me.

So what happens if that fire goes out or runs low on fuel, begins to flicker and die…what happens if I let it be blown out?

Is that something that can be relit?

As always, questions spawn questions, create questions, form more questions.

❤

2011
08/16
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CATEGORY
Inspiration
Love
Observations
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