Archive for the ‘ Life ’ Category

Matrices

…a man needs something he can hold onto, a nine-pound hammer or a woman like you, either one of those things will do…a picture of you holding a picture of me in the pocket of my blue jeans, still don’t know what love means…

That resonates today, equal parts anguish and angst.

Suspended animation, ice running through my veins. Trapped here in the melancholy of my memory.

The rollercoaster of (my) life is more about misery than amusement lately. I find myself oddly comforted by quantum mechanics today; many worlds theory. I can look back and see every choice that has led to this place.

Like signposts, or in my mind matrix theory; a black canvas lit up in glowing blues, whites and reds, each glowing ball a decision – roads flowing from each to other matrices. The colors signify my belief in the correctness of a particular decision that led to a particular time and place.

I can see where I have done things perfectly, horribly or simply made the only choice available in certain situations. I find the map grows fuzzy where choices were taken out of my hands; balls dropped, things broken.

Somewhere out there, in an alternate reality, filmy and half-real, is a me who does everything right.

I wonder what he has learned from his life.

❤

2011
09/06
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CATEGORY
Inspiration
Life
Love
Observations
Physics
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Crashbox

Annoyed, I wrote a fairly long post and my app crashed and deleted it.

I remember most of it, however the reasons and emotions that had guided the way I wrote them down, the wordplay and grammar/syntax/structure of the writing are all now several hours old.

You can never feel something exactly the same way twice. It’s why I like to capture the immediacy of every moment.

Ugh. I think I’m actually really pissed about this. That, in and of itself, is remarkable.

❤

2011
09/06
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CATEGORY
Life
Observations
Writing
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Punctum Est?

So much running through my mind, twisting, turning- turning into an unpalatable soup, of sorts.

Waking up at the start of the end of the world,
But it’s feeling just like every other morning before,
Now I wonder what my life is going to mean if it’s gone,
The cars are moving like a half a mile an hour
And I started staring at the passengers who’re waving goodbye
Can you tell me what was ever really special about me all this time?

Words are deserting me faster than rats fleeing a sinking ship.

I seem to be having such trouble sorting through what I’m feeling these days. And it’s odd because I feel like I’m not feeling anything. It’s almost as if I’m watching it happen to someone else.

I do feel an odd sort of coldness, as though my heart has been replaced with a chunk of ice. Dry, colder than liquid nitrogen; I am almost surprised when I don’t see frost on my fingers or a filmy, frozen steam when my breath leaves my body.

But that is purely physiologic, I am not certain how to explain the curious distance between my mind and my heart. They have always been at odds with one another, often violently opposed, always vocal (in a sense) with their disagreements, but now the silence is deafening.

I’ve lost something of myself, and I don’t know how- or even if I should try- to get it back.

I feel, well that’s just it, I feel nothing. No. Thing.

❤

2011
09/05
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CATEGORY
Life
Observations
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Gainfully

I feel gloriously alive this morning. I’ve always wondered what a snake feels like after it sheds it’s old skin and becomes comfortable in it’s new one.

I bet it’s something like this.

❤

20110902-075723.jpg

2011
09/02
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CATEGORY
Life
Observations
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Importance

Tomorrow, I begin again.

High hopes, hopefully not unfounded.

I have asked, and I hope I shall receive.

Typically vague, I know, I’ll explain later.

❤

2011
08/31
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CATEGORY
Inspiration
Life
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Memo

Nemo dat quod non habet.

Es bedeutet: Niemand gibt, was er nicht hat. Ou en français si vous préférez: personne ne donne ce qu’il n’a pas.

“No one gives what he doesn’t have.”

Truism.

❤

2011
08/28
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CATEGORY
Life
Love
Observations
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Quest-ions

Searching, seeking, wander-wondering, wishing.

I am a seeker. I search for answers, for understanding. I wonder about everything, I always have.

It’s one of the major driving forces in my life. I need to understand everything and everyone around me.

The eclectic mixture that made up my undergrad curriculum shows a pattern, like a gridded-off search area, the quest for answers is written in bold on my transcripts.

The machinery of the universe is in the background, my quest has always been one of somehow quantifying the human experience.

Are we human beings having spiritual experiences or spirits having a human experience?

The answer is in the journey, but it’s question that drives me.

❤

2011
08/27
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CATEGORY
Inspiration
Life
Observations
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Utopi-end

I wonder why I never realize how happy I was at a particular time until I’m looking back.

Strange.

L. O. V. E. Is just another word I never learned to pronounce.

Properly, as it were. Or maybe I just don’t know what it really means. I suppose, looking back, that those who have tried to show me seem rather under-qualified and overly-confident in their abilities (considering the poor quality of the collective resume).

And yet I’m still smiling, apparently my shine is un-tarnishable…and confidence is a stain they can’t wipe off.

In other news I’m going for a run, 2012 marathon trifecta training starts…now.

I have begun to streamline- I am a machine of graceful lines and hard edges, aerodynamic in a rough fashion; as I excise the aforementioned excess my edges begin to become smooth once more.

It is truly a glorious day to be alive.

❤

2011
08/26
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CATEGORY
Health
Life
Love
Observations
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The machinery of the night

I gaze into the night sky and the stars pull me into the heavens, running ever upward on paths of coherent light.

Nights like these, when the ancient mysteries feel so close to the surface; almost magical and so full of promise.

Inside, I find hope restored and faith renewed. I find that there are no memories of you, or you, or you…

A field of unbroken snow, gleaming, casting starlight back at the sky in my mind.

I’ve heard it said that life’s joys are measured in moments, truly, moments like those are worth all those that try one’s soul.

Every broken heart is made new in time, finding strength in the weakness that recedes after each piece is re-placed.

Stitches and staples, bandaids and tape, each tracing a path taken, pain taken; a patchwork of wisdom won the hard way.

I treasure the wounds as much as the smiles and laughter. Each and every one has made me a stronger, and I hope, a better human.

❤

2011
08/24
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CATEGORY
Inspiration
Life
Love
Observations
Writing
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(un)Able

Good enough will never be good enough.

Never.

The space that I most like to inhabit, that place between sleep and awake; where dreams and reality merge, has become a place stranger than fiction.

(yes that was a bad religion reference-great band, way underrated)

I wonder. I like that statement, it stands alone well, albeit vaguely.

I also like that the top edge of my wordpress app says ‘write’ no punctuation but still a command. A need, as if it understands what drives me.

Dreams have been so oddly surreal lately. No rhyme or reason, so incoherent; place to place, face to face. No pattern, or perhaps one so complex it escapes me.

It forces me analyze it in ways I don’t usually consider.

Carry no torches and you cannot be burned.

Oh how I enjoy being vague.

❤

2011
08/22
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CATEGORY
Life
Love
Observations
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