cogito ergo doleo

This week of last year, my life was flipped on it’s head. It still resonates today.

I find myself placing memories in a box, sealing it with tape. The shuffle on my iPhone seems to understand exactly what I’m trying to say.

I’m pushing everything into a form that I will soon step outside of. Seeking with a sick kind of desperation to escape.

I let every pained grimace, every rip and tear in my heart, every thought that sends saline washing down my cheeks, flow over me.

I let it all hit me at once, let it break and re-form me. There is almost a strange sort of joy in allowing it all to flow through.

I find strength in the weaknesses that have led to this point; I look back and see every juncture that had I only been a little stronger, a little more sure, a bit more…fierce in my heart.

I can let all of the grief and rage leave me, I can step outside of sadness, placing it firmly in that box.

A little older, a little wiser. I vow to never break. Not again, not like this.

I wonder, often, why I must internalize everything so fully, why I need to feel everything so completely that I risk destroying myself. This always leads me to wonder what it is about intensity that so draws me to it; moth buzzing a candle, flickering, twisting-turning, my wings are always almost ablaze.

❤

Nemo dat quod non habet.

Es bedeutet: Niemand gibt, was er nicht hat. Ou en français si vous préférez: personne ne donne ce qu’il n’a pas.

“No one gives what he doesn’t have.”

Truism.

❤