Archive for the ‘ Life ’ Category

Something from Nothing

I am building things. Creating something from nothing. Odd sounding, I suppose it’s not nothing but whenever I create something – art, writing or games I start with a blank page and put words, line or code on that page. So, something from nothing feels like it fits.

The catalyst is me. Without me those pages would stay forever blank.

I often wonder what it is I’ll leave behind when I’m gone. Something more than a memory of the person I was for those whose lives I’ve touched.

Something more than ephemeral thoughts that will die with those that think them.

Legacy.

Levels

Level design actually doesn’t feel like work. . .is this what they were talking about when they said find something you love to do and you’ll never work a day in your life?

I would’ve never believed that one.

Where do I begin?

As the title says…at any rate 2012 is almost gone and it has been a year filled with both normalcy and insanity.

I rather like that.

I deleted my Facebook. Absolutely liberating that.

I dissolved the LLC I was partnered in, the short of the long – my partner never held up anything remotely resembling a fraction of a portion of a workload.

But out of that experience came my company. I’ve begun to build it ground up; bootstraps firmly held. Only gravity holds my feet on the ground these days it seems.

I’m learning several new programming languages concurrently…I wish I could say that it were easy to do so, but it’s real work.

I’ve thought rather intensely when I’ve got some free time about the major events of my life, many of which have been the kinds of things that can break people.

I tend to jump back and forth on the idea that things happen for a reason. If you asked me today I’d tell you that they do, and that they have built me into something that can take almost any hit right on the chin and grin through it.

Somedays I feel it more than others but I’m still looking up and that is pure encouragement.

I’m building worlds, some with words, some with pixels but I’m making dreams real, my own for the moment and hopefully someday I’ll be able to build it into something so big it can make other people’s dreams become real and tangible – to make those secret hopes they cling to in the deepest hidey-holes in their hearts become their lives.

I know that in person I can “come off” as arrogant, egotistical, hard, irreverent and sometimes (more than) a little crazy.

I am wild. I am unapologetic. I am the me I am because I was molded by time and experiences: in that I am just like you.

Underneath all of that still lives the little boy that looked up into the night sky and dreamt of setting foot on the planets that orbited those visible stars.

Well, failing that, the man that encapsulates that boy will do his best to bring those stars down here where we can all marvel at them.

Remembrances

I deleted my Facebook a lil while back. Blissfully silent have the petty people on the outskirts of my life been since.

The periphery has been peaceful.

In other news I’ve been thinking a lot about my time in graduate school; booking time in the lab to unlock the secrets of our biology. Thinking hard about how to ‘fix’ our genetics. Running experiments and waiting for my numbers to coalesce into answers.

Listening to tenured brains tell me that what I wanted to do was impossible – that my ambitions were unachievable.

I ended up getting into an ivy-league PhD program. They thought my dreams were possible, probable even. The question became one of funding. An NSF grant looks great on my CV but an advanced degree it does not pay for.

So I write, and think and jump out of airplanes and off of high things.

The answers are out there, what I need is a mini-me to pass the torch to.

Why.

Why does everything that exists, exist?

Everytime this why hits me I feel it. A spike of adrenaline, an inrushing surge of fear sense. My lizard-brain, limbic, fight or flight response has me scanning for exits; my fingernails digging furrows in my palms.

Why.

What is this place and why does it exist. Why are we here. Every why can be boiled down to those. They’re barely even questions anymore just nursery rhyme statements I scream to myself in the back of my thoughts.

Underlying every single word I say, all day, every day is WHY.

I have to know and I hate that I know I never will.

Lv0

I learn so many rad things from the interwebs when I can’t sleep.

Within

True strength comes from within. It’s something you’re born with, something instinctual. The trials of your life will give you plenty of opportunity to unlock that strength.

Whether or not you rise to that challenge is purely your own choice. I firmly believe that.

Inside of each and every human being is the potential for greatness. As a species we tend to ignore this.

Fear, laziness, pure cussed apathy – just a few. We’re taught in school to sit quietly for eight hours a day and take directions. Do what we’re told. This is the prison that our global society has built for your mind.

You have the strength inside you to break free. Inside your mind is a key. Your key.

Use it.

Darkness

Everyone has a dark side, or perhaps a bit of darkness in their nature.

I imagine that I can see mine; coiled and waiting, filled with a latent energy. I can sense filmy tendrils of it, pulling on heart-strings; striking chords off of my very soul.

I always see things in terms of color in my mind. These tendrils are dark, filled with the red of rage and that deep purple of stayed frustration. They flow freely in rivers and streams, but (nearly) always contained by high banks and dams.

Sometimes these rivers run bank-full, droplets splashing over into the rest of my mind.

Sometimes a dam bursts.

Sometimes.

Saline

Breathe.

Just breathe.

It feels like forever since I’ve been able to stop and breathe and sort through my thoughts.

Imagine Dragons. New band I’ve been listening to. When I get home from work I sort through iTunes’s proffered musical treats and then I plug my brain into my iPhone and close my eyes.

Trying to breathe.

Free time, something I miss and wish
I had more of. Scratch that, something I wish I had any of.

This post has no flow to it whatsoever. I’m too tired to write most of the time lately – which is mightily frustrating for someone who can only process things properly by writing them down.

Salt water and sunshine so close I can taste the saline.

I’m running out of clever titles

I think I have too much to say, and never enough time to say it. I’ve got theories, like little stars – lighting up my mind.

So many ideas that I never talk about. I have never wondered why, until this very moment, 04:41 EST. 09/05/12.

Something new to think about anyway.