Archive for the ‘ Love ’ Category

About a girl

So yeah.

About that:

You ever have a moment when everything makes sense? By which I mean everything clicks and you realize that you’ve been living half a life up to that second.

I’m struggling to find words, I’ve written about girls, about feelings, almost exclusively for most of my career.

But I don’t think I ever really understood what it really was that I was trying to say.

I’ve thought that I knew what I was talking about, and maybe after a fashion I did.

But only up to a point. I’d only experienced enough to believe the illusion when it was presented.

Like someone raised watching television and never going out into the world, you just don’t know what’s real.

Until real smacks you in the face, wakes you up, amps you up…so much better than the illusion.

Cautiously optimistic, but with a strange surety in the background.

#winning

Human beings have endless power to create. That is the gift we were given.

Using that gift is what you give back.

So get out there, live, love and be the best possible version of you that you possibly can be.

I have spent the last several months intensively analyzing my life, it’s been a productive journey. I literally relived every moment that could possibly break me. I went through everything that has been an obstacle to my personal happiness and health.

And then I let it all go. It’s a part of me, but it no longer rules my thoughts. My life is mine. I will not bend and I will not break.

It’s just a slight perceptual shift, I believe that the test that is our lives isn’t a pass/fail multiple choice exam. It’s an essay. The only thing that matters is how you answer; there are no standard answers for this life.

It’s been a long strange trip, but no matter what has been thrown at me; I still believe. And I sincerely cannot wait to see what’s next.

You only get one life. Let your regrets fall away and never, ever look back.

Life or something like it

I am finally free.

I want to jump off of something very high, with a chute of course.

Sometimes your feet are moving of their own accord, and there’s a big difference between knowing the path and walking the path.

I am right when and where I am supposed to be in my life. As everything starts to fall into place, I can feel the muscles in my face form a smile; unbidden, slightly ironic and decidedly mischievous.

Loose ends tied. Baggage checked at the door.

Metamorphosis complete. There are thousands of words in my personal lexicon, many more available through my dictionary app, not a one can describe how I feel right now.

I rather like that.

Eternal Sunshine/spotted mind

This week of last year, my life was flipped on it’s head. It still resonates today.

I find myself placing memories in a box, sealing it with tape. The shuffle on my iPhone seems to understand exactly what I’m trying to say.

I’m pushing everything into a form that I will soon step outside of. Seeking with a sick kind of desperation to escape.

I let every pained grimace, every rip and tear in my heart, every thought that sends saline washing down my cheeks, flow over me.

I let it all hit me at once, let it break and re-form me. There is almost a strange sort of joy in allowing it all to flow through.

I find strength in the weaknesses that have led to this point; I look back and see every juncture that had I only been a little stronger, a little more sure, a bit more…fierce in my heart.

I can let all of the grief and rage leave me, I can step outside of sadness, placing it firmly in that box.

A little older, a little wiser. I vow to never break. Not again, not like this.

I wonder, often, why I must internalize everything so fully, why I need to feel everything so completely that I risk destroying myself. This always leads me to wonder what it is about intensity that so draws me to it; moth buzzing a candle, flickering, twisting-turning, my wings are always almost ablaze.

Matrices

…a man needs something he can hold onto, a nine-pound hammer or a woman like you, either one of those things will do…a picture of you holding a picture of me in the pocket of my blue jeans, still don’t know what love means…

That resonates today, equal parts anguish and angst.

Suspended animation, ice running through my veins. Trapped here in the melancholy of my memory.

The rollercoaster of (my) life is more about misery than amusement lately. I find myself oddly comforted by quantum mechanics today; many worlds theory. I can look back and see every choice that has led to this place.

Like signposts, or in my mind matrix theory; a black canvas lit up in glowing blues, whites and reds, each glowing ball a decision – roads flowing from each to other matrices. The colors signify my belief in the correctness of a particular decision that led to a particular time and place.

I can see where I have done things perfectly, horribly or simply made the only choice available in certain situations. I find the map grows fuzzy where choices were taken out of my hands; balls dropped, things broken.

Somewhere out there, in an alternate reality, filmy and half-real, is a me who does everything right.

I wonder what he has learned from his life.

Memo

Nemo dat quod non habet.

Es bedeutet: Niemand gibt, was er nicht hat. Ou en français si vous préférez: personne ne donne ce qu’il n’a pas.

“No one gives what he doesn’t have.”

Truism.

Utopi-end

I wonder why I never realize how happy I was at a particular time until I’m looking back.

Strange.

L. O. V. E. Is just another word I never learned to pronounce.

Properly, as it were. Or maybe I just don’t know what it really means. I suppose, looking back, that those who have tried to show me seem rather under-qualified and overly-confident in their abilities (considering the poor quality of the collective resume).

And yet I’m still smiling, apparently my shine is un-tarnishable…and confidence is a stain they can’t wipe off.

In other news I’m going for a run, 2012 marathon trifecta training starts…now.

I have begun to streamline- I am a machine of graceful lines and hard edges, aerodynamic in a rough fashion; as I excise the aforementioned excess my edges begin to become smooth once more.

It is truly a glorious day to be alive.

The machinery of the night

I gaze into the night sky and the stars pull me into the heavens, running ever upward on paths of coherent light.

Nights like these, when the ancient mysteries feel so close to the surface; almost magical and so full of promise.

Inside, I find hope restored and faith renewed. I find that there are no memories of you, or you, or you…

A field of unbroken snow, gleaming, casting starlight back at the sky in my mind.

I’ve heard it said that life’s joys are measured in moments, truly, moments like those are worth all those that try one’s soul.

Every broken heart is made new in time, finding strength in the weakness that recedes after each piece is re-placed.

Stitches and staples, bandaids and tape, each tracing a path taken, pain taken; a patchwork of wisdom won the hard way.

I treasure the wounds as much as the smiles and laughter. Each and every one has made me a stronger, and I hope, a better human.

(un)Able

Good enough will never be good enough.

Never.

The space that I most like to inhabit, that place between sleep and awake; where dreams and reality merge, has become a place stranger than fiction.

(yes that was a bad religion reference-great band, way underrated)

I wonder. I like that statement, it stands alone well, albeit vaguely.

I also like that the top edge of my wordpress app says ‘write’ no punctuation but still a command. A need, as if it understands what drives me.

Dreams have been so oddly surreal lately. No rhyme or reason, so incoherent; place to place, face to face. No pattern, or perhaps one so complex it escapes me.

It forces me analyze it in ways I don’t usually consider.

Carry no torches and you cannot be burned.

Oh how I enjoy being vague.

forget me

I found this on my hard drive, I remember writing it, but the emotions attached to it had flown. It comes back as I mouth the words, the cadences rolling through my mind; pause, line, break: feel.

I’ve always enjoyed the fact that once I’ve written something down, something that made me feel or was the result of something I had felt that it comes back the moment I re-read it.

It’s a time capusle, a glimpse at who you were and what you felt at some past moment in your life.

What a gift. Language, I mean; the ability to capture the abstract and ephemeral and set it down forever.

forget me

familiar paths and hallways,
flow by me.
forget me.

i can’t sleep anymore,
you’ll never feel the cold,
because you’re not for me (i’m not for you).
forget me.

seasons grow brittle,
i’d like to escape.
forget me.

i’m freezing in this endless summer,
i’d build a world for you,
but i’m no longer that kind of joy.
forget me.

I may have posted this before, or maybe I had read it recently, It just feels familiar. I wrote it five years ago and it still resonates. My life runs in concentric circles. Growing ever outward, encompassing more and more time and space, and yet somehow still drawn to the same spaces that my mind inhabits, in perpetuity? Perhaps, but for now, yes.