Archive for the ‘ Observations ’ Category

Write, you fools.

Finally, I have a solid plan for finishing this project.

So many other ideas have been pounding at the doors in my mind while I’ve floundered about trying to come up with a believable piece of storytelling.

I could hear them, singing outside my window each night, begging for their turns, for their stories to be told. Their cries became shrill and I had forced the chorus of their shrieking demands to become a sort of background chatter – that while growing dim at times – never fully quieted.

They can spared a bit of my attention now.

Cosmic Imperative

I ruminate. Rather often, in fact. But rarely of late have I put fingers to keyboard.

The idea of a cosmic imperative is at once comforting and disconcerting.

Comforting in a way that none of the religious traditions I am heir to have ever been.

Disconcerting because if this was intended then the universe is filled with a dark purpose I cannot quite comprehend.

I wonder if our technological aptitude has subverted this process, if we have not in some ways taken this imperative into our own hands. I wonder what the consequences will be.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Newton. He’s been right about much more than mathematics for us to disregard that.

I wonder. As always, when these quiet moments find me – it is some more wondering that I must do. Driven to it almost, as if there were an imperative that I do so.

I look inward first – ever inward – as if there are answers buried in my mind. Then pushing outward, sometimes, just sometimes I can almost feel my consciousness expand, encompassing much that is not me. And then it is gone, and I look out through a window onto the mundanity that is reality. And…

When I look at the world around me, those wonderings are generally dark. Hope, like the little glowing stars of cities seen from orbit, breaks up the darkness in places, but the shadow always grows to reclaim them.

Upon further review…

This schedule has left me drained, depleted. Sometimes my muse flees like a rat down dark hallways fast filling with water.

But still I manage. Ploddingly adding a word here, excising one there; editing…an excuse to flex fingers on keyboard.

And then there comes a sudden explosion of inspiration or of something very nearly so:

Rewriting the first several chapters, adding more depth, new characters emerge and demand that they be explored, explained – given stage time, the novel moves in strange new directions. My synopsis goes out the window.

Deadlines and plot be damned. The story begins to write itself; I feel more like a medium than a writer. I begin to believe that the words merely pass through me, from the aether, to you.

Yes, I know I’m weird. I’ve made peace with that.

Almost

Sometimes something stays with you forever. It is always a heart-pounding, breathless, thrumming immediacy. Other things are not so powerful, they beckon only slightly, they still exist intellectually but they are now part of the background hum; filtered-out chatter. They have become nonsensical and half-real. I think of many of my posts in these terms: when I read them I can almost feel them again.

Almost.

Influx

These things I write. These emotions I have been given the gift to evoke. I have at my disposal descriptors for nearly every possible emotional-experiential influx.

I can make the words I choose become motion pictures in your minds; make every feeling so gruelingly real that you are forced to feel it. I will chain you to my muse and tied to my dream, my nightmare – you will fly and you will cry.

Hiatusical like a musical but not.

I have been busy. It’s the playoffs (playoff beard in this heat has been murder but I persevere); I’ve got all sorts of reasons for why I’ve been basically ignoring my blog.

None of them are really true though.

It’s mostly just that I don’t have all that much to say right now, and wasting space, even digital space, isn’t my style.

I’m sure that my blog will once again have daily posts, I’m just not going to promise that that day is today.

Soooooo, yeah.

Keep rocking hard.

Exhilarate/Annihilate

Inhale.

Life flows through me; something awakens within, something ephemeral and barely tangible. It almost doesn’t register on my consciousness.

My heartbeat skips and flutters, something tickles my mind.

Exhale.

Synapses fire, my pulse is pounding in my mind like drumbeats.

Drums, drums in the deep.

Inhale.

I cannot find words. There are none. I sincerely cannot think.

Exhale.

For the first time in my life I realize that I don’t need to be able to describe something to know that it is real:

“I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand and the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep and there are no words for that.”

-Brian Andreas

Inhale…